Friends...

Today I finally got enough courage to 'de-friend' (from my Facebook account), a real life, long term friend who has been gradually but systematically excluding me from her real and online life over the last six months or so.

I'm sure it's probably upset me more than her, but I really have to walk my talk and 'let go' of a friendship that really doesn't even exist any more.  A friendship that is bringing me way more angst than joy. 

I'm not asking her for explanations, or apologies, or reasons.

There have been many, many opportunities for true friendship, kindness and communication, and the bottom line is that she has been totally 'absent' from my life while I've been through serious illness, celebrations, milestones, business, creativity, life... all totally ignored. 

Exclusion and 'ignoring' people is just a subtle form of bullying. And I'm learning that self-respect is more important than being 'liked'.  I am ME, and I am ENOUGH.

I'm forgiving her, and me.  There's a lesson in this for us both.  I'm choosing to send love and to let go of any expectations.

It's painful. I'm sad. I'm breathing and letting go...

An open letter to my child's teacher...

Dear Teacher,

I know that you are busy, that your job is complex, that you have to manage an often unruly bunch of  little kids with diverse backgrounds, needs and issues.  I know that there are long hours, marking, preparation, staff meetings, yard duty, conferences, performance management, accountability, duty of care, excursions, parent/teacher interviews, report writing, committees, work on weekends and school holidays, spending your own money on books and resources, a lot of hard work and often little thanks.


I also know that you can't possibly begin to understand what makes my child tick after just one week of school.  My child is many, many things... He's funny, and smart, and creative, and compassionate, and sensitive, and anxious and he doesn't like loud noises.  He's a perfectionist who's not good at risk taking.  He's hard on himself, he doesn't like change, he doesn't like saying goodbyes. He loves to be successful.  He can ride his bike without training wheels.  He loves books and animals, and watching 'Mythbusters', and spending time with his Grandparents.  He thrives on routine and predictability.


You don't know these things yet because you've only known him for a week. 


You also have no idea that he chose to sit on the floor in the hallway this morning and read that 'take home reader' that we had to almost beg for, rather than playing with the Wii or Xbox. That's how special he feels because he can read it on his own now. 


When I try to explain that he lives with a level of anxiety that can sometimes almost be physically painful for him, please don't fob me off by replying, "Well he's not like that in the classroom."  That's because when he's anxious he's often quiet and overwhelmed and compliant... he's "behaving" partly out of fear and because the environment is new and unpredictable.  If you'd spoken to the Preschool as part of his transition, you'd know that he didn't "find his voice" until the last few weeks he was there.  Please understand that I DO know these things about him because it has been my life for the last 5 years, consequently I am a wealth of information about my child.  I am not the enemy. You have no need to feel threatened or to be defensive when I ask you a question or share my thoughts and concerns.  We're supposed to both be on the same team.  We're supposed to both want the best social, emotional and academic outcomes for my child, but when you wont make eye contact with me, and shut me down when I attempt to talk to you, it makes me feel that perhaps you don't value my contribution or the knowledge I have of my own child's abilities and needs. Please remember that I'm a valuable resource when you are ready to ask the questions and really listen.

As a teacher I understand your need to be accountable to your line manager, the Principal and to the system.  I accept that you need a 'benchmark' to measure his literacy progress.  I understand that you need to keep records.  I accept that there are rules and routines.  That's how organisations work... conformity rules.  As a parent the only thing that is important to me at this stage is that my child is excited about coming to school and he's engaged in learning and feeling great about himself and the contribution that he's making in the group.  That he feels that he belongs and is not made to feel 'different' to the other kids by being denied access to the resources that he sees all his friends using.  So thank you for eventually 'bending the rules' a little for him by allowing him to bring home a reader before you have "tested" him.  That's what good teachers do.  They seize the moment, and find opportunities for building children's confidence, they make sure there's plenty of success.  Because good teaching is all about recognising and catering for individual needs, personalities and learning styles.

As a teacher I also understand that you have 'your way' of doing things in 'your classroom' that might be different to the way that I would do them.  I respect that.  I accept that recognition of 'sight words' is ONE way to measure performance.  I also know after many years of teaching Reception children that recognising "sight words" is not "reading".  As a parent I already know that my child has some very valuable early reading skills and behaviours.  I know this because I've been reading with him daily since he was born.  I've never talked about 'sight words' with him and yet magically he already knows quite a few.  Our focus has always been on enjoying the story, looking at the pictures and working out what might be happening, and reading the story over and over until I can bear to read it no more... because that's what kids love, and that's how they learn.

I know all of this because I was you once upon a time.  I too was a young idealistic teacher who believed sincerely that her way was the best way, and my classroom was my castle.  The children in my care were pretty much my whole life.  I was dedicated and hard working and innovative and professional, and committed to making a difference.

Now that I am a parent, I can selfishly focus on the needs of JUST my own child, and I will be your staunchest supporter and ally if I can see the following things happening...

1.  That my child is excited about what school has to offer and looks forward to the next day's challenges and adventures with enthusiasm, optimism and courage.

2.  That my child is engaged in meaningful learning activities where it is acknowledged that much of his progress and success can't be measured by standardised testing.

3.  That my child's social, emotional & spiritual needs are catered for as well as his academic needs.



So let's learn to trust each other, and to reserve judgement.  To communicate with an open heart and generosity of spirit.  Let's be patient with each other, and remember to be mindful of our own and each other's roles in my child's development.  Let's understand that sometimes the lines between these roles are blurry, that they overlap and complement each other.   Let's be mature enough to be open to alternative methodologies, practice and possibilities.  Let's find a peaceful solution where there appears to be misunderstanding. 


Let's lead by example... that's our job as responsible adults and role models.

28 years on....

28 years ago today I lost my best friend, and my first love.  


My life as I knew it changed the instant we got that phone call, and it would never be the same again.


No warning, no illness, no goodbyes. Nobody to be angry with, nobody to blame. An aortic aneurysm had gone undetected, and then unexpectedly ruptured.


Then there was the shock, and sadness and the overwhelming type of grief that makes day to day functioning almost impossible.  To this day my memory of events and life for months after his death remain pretty foggy.


28 years later there's still some sadness, but it's more balanced with the happy memories. 

“Time heals griefs and quarrels, for we change and are no longer the same persons.”  

~ Blaise Pascal

Does time heal all wounds?  I'm not sure.  I'd like to think so.  Maybe time just allows us the space to accept, move on, remember the good stuff.  It certainly doesn't mean forgetting.  I guess I don't think about him every day now... but he's still in my thoughts quite often. And of course I am a different person now to the one I was at 17.  There's no way of knowing how long we would have stayed together.  There's no way to go back and change the course of events before or after his death.  My journey has been shaped in part because of this tragedy.  

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”  

~Shakespeare

I can talk about that time now with people if they ask, but I tend not to go back there unless I need to.  The story is there to be told, but the ending is always the same. Revisiting and re-telling it wont change it, but the re-telling HAS become easier with time.



So how did I move on?  Very slowly with the loving support of family and friends.  Huge support that got me through a VERY dark time.

...and with the belief that he would have wanted me to get on with my life.

Clutter Types

So apparently there are 4 main "Clutter Types"...
The Accumulator
The Concealer
The Collector  and
The Tosser

Here's my interpretation of each group.

The Accumulator is the person who keeps pretty much everything.  Stuff comes in and never, or rarely, goes out.  The Accumulator quite possibly believes that the stuff they have stored has some monetary value.  They can't stand the thought of something being thrown away in case it might be useful one day.  They might be indecisive and just not know what to do with the stuff, so they put off making the decision until another day, and that day just never comes.  There may be an underlying emotional reason for becoming an Accumulator.  Loss can create a desire to accumulate material possessions to provide a sense of stability and security.  Sometimes it can be the person who has moved frequently... they keep and move their belongings as a way of taking their home with them.  Whatever the reason, the Accumulator doesn't see the need to get rid of their clutter, they just need a bigger house to put it all in.  The Accumulator who isn't willing to part with their stuff will need to learn way to store, contain & organise their clutter to keep things under control.  If the Accumulator wants to change they'll need to recognise that the act of 'hoarding' stuff with questionable value is costly in terms of emotional and/or physical health, and in monetary terms... particularly if you have to pay to put the stuff in storage units!  Also they'll need to understand that they are not responsible for the clutter they've inherited from other members of the family or friends.


The Concealer is similar to the Accumulator, but their stuff will be neatly packed away or hidden so that a visitor would never know that there was clutter there.  The Concealer loves storage containers of all kinds... the clutter is usually neatly stacked, labelled and maybe even colour coded.  Their habit of storing & labelling their clutter hides the fact that they might have terrible difficulty deciding what to keep and what to throw out.  Hiding things, even neatly, in boxes doesn't reduce clutter... it only organises and stores it.



The Collector collects things.  Their obsessive collecting of stuff appears to have a goal or method which differentiates them from Accumulators.  Their collections are always incomplete which gives life some structure because there is always a focus to complete the collection.  Usually a Collector will end up with more than one collection.  A Collector who wants to get organised needs to examine the collection and figure out WHY they are collecting these things.  Will the collection one day be valuable, and if so will it be sold or kept 'forever'.



The Tosser doesn't let clutter lie around for too long.  They don't see any relevance in keeping part of a set or collection.  They are not sentimental.  They haven't kept treasures from their childhood.  If they live alone they have few problems with clutter. If they live with someone with a different clutter type they will struggle.  Other people's clutter will offend their sense of order.  Tossers need to check with other members of their family before they toss things out.

 adapted from "Cut the Clutter and Stow the Stuff" - Edited by Lori Baird

Will it ever get any easier?

My little man has just headed off for the day with his dad who's visiting from interstate.

He's been counting down the days for a couple of months now, and the last couple of hours have been agonisingly slow for both of us.

His dad was over an hour late.  Something about breakfast taking forever...  Try explaining that to a 4.5 year old who has been sitting outside waiting for the last half an hour.

And after all the excitement and build up to the big visit (which only happen once or twice a year) the rugrat was a little 'underwhelmed', and very quiet, and very cuddly as they were leaving.

I hope they're going to have a great day...

I hope that this visit somehow meets his expectations...

I hope that he doesn't ask to come home early (like the last time)...

I hope that he doesn't call his dad's current girlfriend by one of the previous girlfriends' names...

I hope his dad appreciates how lucky he is that this small child who hardly knows him trusts him (and me) enough to go with him...

I hope that eventually, some day, it gets easier for me to wave them goodbye...

Vision Boards - The Process of Dreaming Big but Still Being Grateful

At one point last year I was seriously starting to feel like a fraud.  I knew all the benefits of journaling, had used a journal years ago at various times, was recommending the process to friends and customers, but I was struggling to make the process personally relevant.  There was something stopping me from writing down my inner most thoughts.  I knew that I wanted to, but just couldn’t seem to make a start.

Then along came Soli from “Journal Junky” with her gorgeous leather bound journals and mentioned that she was going to run a “Vision Board Workshop”.  This sounded interesting!   It really appealed to me… perhaps because it was something visual that didn’t involve writing.

I knew enough about vision boards and the 'Law of Attraction' to have faith in the process, and I also know myself well enough to acknowledge and accept that I work better in a group situation than when left to my own devices.  It was a little scary hitting that “buy now” button as I signed up for the 2 part workshop.  It was ages since I’d stepped out of my comfort zone to learn something new, ages since I’d met new people in this kind of group situation, and ages since I’d allowed myself to dream about what I really wanted in life.

So the process involved some chatting, some guided relaxation/meditation, some questions to get us focussed, and some time to jot down our thoughts and responses within some broad areas.

Soli explained to us about the “Creative Process” which involved…

Asking, Believing, Taking Inspired Action (leap of faith), Relaxing and Allowing the Process (surrendering), Receiving (being open to receive) and Enjoying (being grateful for the now).

We were encouraged to dream huge, to be open to new possibilities and new ideas, and to be prepared to be surprised.  She encouraged us to think about what we truly wanted to achieve, and prompted us to think about why… and asked how we would FEEL when we had received or achieved what we truly wanted.

We had 10 aspects of life to address…

Body/Self

Home

Work & Study

Romantic Relationship

Family Relationships

Friends, Fun & Social

Travel & Adventure

Finances

Legacy & Contributions

Ideal Lifestyle

She asked questions to focus our thinking and dreaming in each of these areas, and then gave us time to jot down some ideas and words to help us to really figure out what our values/needs were in each of these parts of our lives. There was no right or wrong answers, no judgement, and I was a little surprised to find that the overriding theme for my jottings was “peace”.  I came home totally inspired and excited and started searching for pictures in magazines to represent my ideas.

I’m a terrible magazine hoarder (yep! And now a self confessed Pinterest addict!!!  Go figure!) but I was in the process of ‘letting go’ of some of the older ones, so this gave me the perfect opportunity to rip out pictures and words with a real sense of purpose.  And what I discovered in this process is that I was really drawn to the words and phrases more than the pictures… somewhat surprising for someone who thought of herself as a visual person!

So I ripped and ripped, and cut and pasted and got so carried away with the joy of creating something not only visually pleasing, but something that was bringing me clarity and focus, that I was finished before the 2^nd workshop, (where we were supposed to assemble our boards), had even started.  In fact I had so many great leftover pictures that I couldn’t fit into my frame, that I started working on a folder of images that I loved.

I found a frame that I loved that had 12 openings for photos, so I changed things around a bit.  I added a box for my dream garden because that is a really important part of my life, and I added a box to hold a quote that I loved about PEACE which has travelled with me for years, and I ended up with a great Vision Board that is still hanging above my desk in the dining room, and is still very relevant. 

I did initially struggle with feeling like the ‘dreaming big’ meant that I wasn’t grateful for what I currently had in my life.  Was dreaming of the ‘perfect house’ with the ‘perfect pantry’ implying that I didn’t feel extremely grateful for having a perfectly adequate roof over my head?  A family property had been made available to me when I needed something urgently and I didn’t want to appear ungrateful or unhappy with my current situation.  After lots of chatting with friends and family, I decided that it was all OK.  It was possible to be grateful and have dreams at the same time.  In fact, being grateful was an intrinsic part of the manifestation process. 

So did it “work”??  Yes, and I think it still is working!   When I look at the board, I feel more focussed and reminded of where I’m heading.  Most of my categories were reasonably long Some of the phrases were a little 'tongue in cheek', like “Garden of the Year”.   That had been a bit of a family joke when I’d moved in here that I would work hard and transform the terribly neglected and overgrown garden into something resembling a magazine competition winning garden.  We’re not quite there yet, but WOW!   There have been some major changes and improvements made, and they will continue as the garden evolves.

Do I have my perfect “dream home” with character, the perfect pantry and a home that’s free of clutter?  Well… I’m extremely grateful to have a great house to live in which has family history and charm, (and lots of cracks and imperfections!), there’s still clutter but we’re working on it slowly, and YES!  I finally have the “perfect pantry”… the perfect solution for this house!  Definitely not a walk in butler’s pantry of my ultimate pantry dreams, but absolutely perfect for this house, and for now. 

My little family of 3 is complete now with my partner moving over from interstate… and while there have been adjustments that all 3 of us have had to make, it’s certainly a big positive step on from where we were 12 months ago.  We’ve already had some travel adventures together, and there will be many more to come in the future, and we are learning together to stop and smell the roses!

My business “Precious Gorgeous” has finally become ‘real’.  I am following my heart and I’m taking some giant strides creatively and emotionally.   I’m challenging my own thinking about limiting beliefs around money and income, and about hobby versus business.

My personal journey of “clearing the clutter” lead to the creation of my Facebook page “Letting Go of Clutter. Finding Peace.”, and in time, my blog of the same name has followed.  Finally the writing block had been shifted!  And I give credit to Soli and her processes for giving me the direction, encouragement and safe environment to discover what I really wanted to do.  I also did another workshop with her called “Clearing the Emotional Clutter” which I think helped immensely too, even though it wasn’t entirely obvious at the end of the workshop.

And after years of me joking about writing a book one day, I recently came home from holidays and had a sleepless night as a children’s picture book came to life in my head begging me to write it down as soon as I got up in the morning.  Maybe there really will be a book one day… but very different to the one that I had imagined, which reminds me that the creative process is all about relaxing and allowing, receiving and being open to new possibilities!

I was planning to pull apart this vision board to make room for a new one, but on reflection I think that it’s all still relevant.  I think I will choose a couple of aspects perhaps to expand on now as there have been some shifts in thinking, and clarification of values and priorities over the last few months.  So there might be an additional mini vision board coming soon.

By focussing on how I would FEEL if my life looked like the vision board, I realise that the words and pictures are a representation of how I want to FEEL, and of my values around each of those aspects of my life, and because of that, what constitutes a ‘perfect pantry’ here will look different in a new house in the future, but my intentions in my “legacy” box will probably remain the same for many years into the future and may never change… “cares for the environment” and “making a difference” are phrases that I hope will be applicable for the foreseeable future!  And you can bet that wherever I live, I’ll be aiming for that “Garden of the Year”!

Week 2 ~ HLS Challenge

Defining My Personal Values...


Ask me what my 'teacher values' were back when I was teaching and it would be easy... I wrote lists of goals, made action plans, had belief statements, and designed lesson plans.  We were told not to impose our values on the children we taught... I now see that it was kind of silly to try to completely separate values from the classroom, because apart from religious or political beliefs which I tend not to share anyway, those other deeper spiritual values were always going to be underpinning all that I did as a teacher. 


Ask me what I value in a relationship, and I could answer that quite quickly after going through a process a few years ago to come up with my "LIST" of what I was looking for in any future partner. There's nothing like recovering from a train wreck of a relationship to make you question your ability to make sensible major life decisions. And interestingly enough it ended when I finally realised that our VALUES clashed heavily and that they always would!!


But ask me what my core values are now... and then ask me to limit the list to my top 5.... now that's been a real challenge!  After reading a chapter about values in an Anthony Robbins book where he says that he'd be surprised if 1 person in 10,000 could list their top 10 values I started to feel a little better... this is actually supposed to be a challenge!  Friends have been asking me if this process was really that necessary, or if I was having fun agonising over the details ... or telling me that I'm thinking too much.  But there's a part of me that knows that life will have more clarity if I know what my core values are, and my goal has been "PEACE" for a few years now, so clarity is an important factor in achieving that peace.


So what are VALUES?

• Values are those things and processes that we will invest time, energy, money and resources to move towards or away from.
• Values are ever-receding, qualitative goals that can never be fully and finally attained – they point us toward the Infinite.
• Values are the greatest power known to humanity – when they are alive.
• Values have power when we aspire to achieve them – not when we merely understand they are desirable.
• Values come alive when our emotions embrace them – not just our minds.
• Values are an embodiment of higher truth.
• Values are a path to perfection.
• Values channel our energies to express at the highest possible level.
• Values are spiritual skills.

from http://humanscience.wikia.com/wiki/Living_Values_Project

Values are core beliefs or philosophies that are meaningful,  and whether we are aware of them or not, we all have them.  Sometimes they are buried deep inside, formed during childhood and left unexamined for years.  Whether we like it or not, they are shaping the choices and decisions we make, and guiding and motivating our attitudes and actions, and determining how we treat ourselves and others.  So it makes sense to me to know what my values really are so that I can begin to move through life with some clarity and meaningful direction.  If I am clear about what I REALLY value, then decision making should be much simpler.  


"All temporal human values and life values derive from 12 eternal values of existence which constitute the characteristics or properties of pure spiritual consciousness: Infinity, Eternity, Silence, Peace, Unity, Truth, Goodness, Knowledge, Power, Beauty, Love and Bliss."
http://humanscience.wikia.com/wiki/Spiritual_origin_of_values

My values are based on the faith that there is a spiritual principle, meaning or reason behind everything, but has all this thinking, reading and analysing helped me get any closer to my top 5? Maybe.  I've cheated a little by using 5 of the 'eternal values of existence' as overarching higher spiritual values that encompass my 'favourite' personal values...


Love ~  empathy, compassion, loyalty, fidelity, kindness, forgiveness, family, respect (for self, environment, belongings, life, others)


Unity (Oneness) ~ tolerance, acceptance, equity, diversity, co-operation, consideration, social justice


Truth ~ integrity, honesty, trust


Peace ~ clarity, simplicity, gratitude, serenity,  tranquility


Knowledge (Learning) ~ curiosity, wonder, creativity, resourcefulness, clear thinking, problem solving, imagination, wisdom


So there they are...  for now...

Source: Uploaded by user via Katrina on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Katrina on Pinterest

Source: tumblr.com via Katrina on Pinterest

Source: technologyrocksseriously.blogspot.com via Katrina on Pinterest

Source: aglimpseofthegirlnextdoor.blogspot.com via Katrina on Pinterest

Week 1 - Home Life Simplified Challenge

OK... so Week 1 of the HLS Challenge is about finding the positives from 2011...

Why am I finding this so hard?  I'm a perfectionist at heart, and always find it way easier to see all the things that aren't working, and the things that need improving, editing, changing, moving, cleaning and fixing.

So I've let the question sit at the back of my mind for the last few days, and I've tried not to stress about finding the right answers.

Here's what I've come up with, and it's been a bit of a surprise for me...

1. The transition to Kindy for TJ was a whole lot smoother than any of us anticipated.  After 4 years of separation anxiety I was expecting some resistance from him, and was prepared to do the "quick exit, no looking back" routine if necessary.  The exact thing I used to recommend to parents when I was teaching and had reluctant school beginners.  But it wasn't necessary.  Woohoo!  So all the preparation & playgroup in the same setting paid off... that was the clear winner for 2011 for me.

2.  There was the transition for him to his own bed too... another HUGE milestone that he decided would be achieved when he turned 4.  And he did it!

3.  The BIG move for my partner was and continues to be a success for all of us... he moved here from interstate to start a new life here with us after a 12 month long distance relationship... HUGE transition and changes for all of us in all areas of our lives, but truly the best thing we could have done.

4.  I started my Letting Go of Clutter Finding Peace Facebook page & blog... both have been HUGE successes on many levels, for me to share my stuff "out loud",  for the people who have found inspiration there, and for the new friendships made through cyberspace.

5.  I've reinvented & rediscovered my "Precious Gorgeous" creativity... registered the business name, and I'm getting a bit more serious.

6.  I did a couple of great workshops early last year with Soli of "Journal Junky".  In particular the Vision Board Workshop was fabulous... it really helped me define what I was working towards.... I think I might need to make another one for this year.

I'm sure there must be more, but I'm happy with this list for now!

Happy New 2012

I have no idea how to translate the current 40.5'Celcius into the old measurements, but I know it's bloody hot!  Very bloody hot.  


And here I am sweltering under the back verandah in the New Year's Day heat, writing this blog while the 4 year old is in his paddling pool under the walnut tree, hose running on the vegie garden to try to keep things alive, and sweat running down my back and down my face... oh the joys of parenthood, and hot days, and sleepless nights while others spent the night with music blaring... how do I know?

That'd be because I was wide awake for most of the night, my peace was shattered by the thump thump of the bass from party music at least a street away... and it was still going at breakfast time this morning, only stopping when either the Police were called, or the partygoers finally gave up & went... I don't know or care where they went, bed, home, jail... wherever.  All I cared was FINALLY the thumping in the neighbourhood stopped.  And that was waaaaaaay before the thumping in my head stopped!


Anyway, back to the story... it's hot, damn hot.  It's apparently one of the hottest New Year's Days that we've had here in Adelaide for around 100 years.

I'm off to mop my brow and crunch on ice cubes... and be very very grateful for airconditioning!

Happy New 2012!