Calm in My Heart

Well it's now 6.26am, but I've been awake since about 3am...

The almost 4 year old, combined with snot, cough and bad dreams (all his!) has not been conducive to sleep for either of us. I tried dozing many times only to be woken up by a cold hand feeling for my face in the dark... and had to give copious cuddles, reassurances that the dream wasn't real, reminders that the dark isn't really that scary. Then I needed to supply tissues, a drink, food, and assist with locked doors to the toilet, deal with escaped cats, a hungry dog, and listen to the Chuggington DVD play in the background...

Now he's donned his helmet and is heading to the yard to ride or drive something with wheels I presume... the sun isn't even up yet!


I'm already planning the nanna nap that I'm sure I'll be needing by lunchtime.


So what does this have to do with clutter or finding peace? Well the physical clutter clearing will probably be a little slow today... but I made a conscious decision to try to find some compassion and patience for this little child who is too terrified to close his eyes in case the bad dreams come back.



Rather than reacting with anger and frustration, and mourning my loss of sleep, I decided that I would "let go" of the expectation of sleep... "let go" of my anger because I should have a "right" to sleep... no more lying there dozing and being resentful that my sleep had been stolen. I decided that I might as well embrace the early darkness and start writing... and open my heart... and take lots of huge, deep, calming breaths. And try to find the humour in the situation... like having a chuckle out loud when he told me that I was "very rude" for not letting him sleep in my bed!




Am I any less tired? Hell no! I'm still exhausted from the long day I had yesterday, and the last few nights of broken sleep. Am I going to be feeling chipper and chirpy by morning tea? Nup. But I'm feeling calm in my heart. And apart from being asleep in my cosy bed, that's the only other place I want to be!  

The week of 'lasts', and goodbye to farting whenever you like...

This week we are preparing for the arrival of my partner, David, from interstate. After 12 months of doing the "long distance" relationship thing, we're finally going to be living together in the same place... and so begins the week of "lasts", endings, goodbyes and letting go.

We've already had our last Friday night & Sunday morning phone calls. That's a very fine thing in my book! As much as it's great to have regular phone chats, sometimes there's just not that much to say... OK... to be fair, I usually have plenty to say... luckily David is a pretty good listener!

David has had his last walk to the local supermarket at the end of his street, and is preparing for a change in shopping habits as he'll have to do it by car or pushbike once he's here. No more running down to the shops after work for a last minute dinner ingredient!
He's had the last family Pizza and Poker night at his brother's house, well the last one for a while anyway.

The paint is almost dry on the new home office desk, there's some space in the wardrobe... not much, but it's a start! And there's a "new" tallboy that still needs a couple of coats of paint, but thank goodness that he's pretty easy going and doesn't mind living out of a suitcase (or garbage bag!) for a little while.

His rented house is almost completely empty now... almost everything has been either sold on ebay, given away, or donated to charity. He's coming with his computer, his pushbike, some saucepans, clothes and shoes, a pot of mint from his garden, and not much else. (We already have the essentials here from his last trip over... the golf clubs, quite a few packets of vegie seeds, some books and dvds, the tent and the George Foreman Grill!!) He's a man who has learnt to travel light. He needs very little "stuff" to be truly happy, and I really love and admire him for that.

He's done his last load of washing before his son takes the washing machine during the week... and the fridge is almost empty and waiting for the same fate. When he drives off out of Melbourne on Friday, he'll be saying "goodbye" to the house that where he has lived the longest, apart from his family home which he left in his early 20's.

And what about my week of lasts? Well... it'll be the last week of it being just TJ & me. Three is different to two... for so many reasons. And there'll be no more falling asleep in bed while reading & waking up hours later with the light still on, and the book still open on my lap!   No more toast for dinner because I can't be bothered cooking... No more coming home to an empty house after a long day at work... No more struggling to open jars with tight lids, and lifting and moving heavy things on my own.

Goodbye to "single" living for both of us... goodbye "selfish" and hello compromise.
As one of my lovely customers said the other day... "Living on your own has certain benefits... you can go to bed when you want, get up when you like, watch what you want on TV, eat whatever you want, and fart whenever you like...". Have to agree that she has some good points!