Calm in My Heart

Well it's now 6.26am, but I've been awake since about 3am...

The almost 4 year old, combined with snot, cough and bad dreams (all his!) has not been conducive to sleep for either of us. I tried dozing many times only to be woken up by a cold hand feeling for my face in the dark... and had to give copious cuddles, reassurances that the dream wasn't real, reminders that the dark isn't really that scary. Then I needed to supply tissues, a drink, food, and assist with locked doors to the toilet, deal with escaped cats, a hungry dog, and listen to the Chuggington DVD play in the background...

Now he's donned his helmet and is heading to the yard to ride or drive something with wheels I presume... the sun isn't even up yet!


I'm already planning the nanna nap that I'm sure I'll be needing by lunchtime.


So what does this have to do with clutter or finding peace? Well the physical clutter clearing will probably be a little slow today... but I made a conscious decision to try to find some compassion and patience for this little child who is too terrified to close his eyes in case the bad dreams come back.



Rather than reacting with anger and frustration, and mourning my loss of sleep, I decided that I would "let go" of the expectation of sleep... "let go" of my anger because I should have a "right" to sleep... no more lying there dozing and being resentful that my sleep had been stolen. I decided that I might as well embrace the early darkness and start writing... and open my heart... and take lots of huge, deep, calming breaths. And try to find the humour in the situation... like having a chuckle out loud when he told me that I was "very rude" for not letting him sleep in my bed!




Am I any less tired? Hell no! I'm still exhausted from the long day I had yesterday, and the last few nights of broken sleep. Am I going to be feeling chipper and chirpy by morning tea? Nup. But I'm feeling calm in my heart. And apart from being asleep in my cosy bed, that's the only other place I want to be!  

The week of 'lasts', and goodbye to farting whenever you like...

This week we are preparing for the arrival of my partner, David, from interstate. After 12 months of doing the "long distance" relationship thing, we're finally going to be living together in the same place... and so begins the week of "lasts", endings, goodbyes and letting go.

We've already had our last Friday night & Sunday morning phone calls. That's a very fine thing in my book! As much as it's great to have regular phone chats, sometimes there's just not that much to say... OK... to be fair, I usually have plenty to say... luckily David is a pretty good listener!

David has had his last walk to the local supermarket at the end of his street, and is preparing for a change in shopping habits as he'll have to do it by car or pushbike once he's here. No more running down to the shops after work for a last minute dinner ingredient!
He's had the last family Pizza and Poker night at his brother's house, well the last one for a while anyway.

The paint is almost dry on the new home office desk, there's some space in the wardrobe... not much, but it's a start! And there's a "new" tallboy that still needs a couple of coats of paint, but thank goodness that he's pretty easy going and doesn't mind living out of a suitcase (or garbage bag!) for a little while.

His rented house is almost completely empty now... almost everything has been either sold on ebay, given away, or donated to charity. He's coming with his computer, his pushbike, some saucepans, clothes and shoes, a pot of mint from his garden, and not much else. (We already have the essentials here from his last trip over... the golf clubs, quite a few packets of vegie seeds, some books and dvds, the tent and the George Foreman Grill!!) He's a man who has learnt to travel light. He needs very little "stuff" to be truly happy, and I really love and admire him for that.

He's done his last load of washing before his son takes the washing machine during the week... and the fridge is almost empty and waiting for the same fate. When he drives off out of Melbourne on Friday, he'll be saying "goodbye" to the house that where he has lived the longest, apart from his family home which he left in his early 20's.

And what about my week of lasts? Well... it'll be the last week of it being just TJ & me. Three is different to two... for so many reasons. And there'll be no more falling asleep in bed while reading & waking up hours later with the light still on, and the book still open on my lap!   No more toast for dinner because I can't be bothered cooking... No more coming home to an empty house after a long day at work... No more struggling to open jars with tight lids, and lifting and moving heavy things on my own.

Goodbye to "single" living for both of us... goodbye "selfish" and hello compromise.
As one of my lovely customers said the other day... "Living on your own has certain benefits... you can go to bed when you want, get up when you like, watch what you want on TV, eat whatever you want, and fart whenever you like...". Have to agree that she has some good points!

10 Things You (Possibly) Didn't Know About Me...

If you thought you knew EVERYTHING about me, you need to check this out...



1 ~  I was almost named after a Beatles song... well actually I did end up with Michelle as my middle name... thanks to very young hippy 60's parents...



2 ~  I always thought that I procrastinated because I was a perfectionist... now I'm starting to think that maybe it's because basically I'm just plain lazy...



3 ~  I used to be a Junior Primary teacher... that was waaaaay before baby / toddler / small child brain took over... and I used to think I liked kids... I now know that's only because they went home at 3.30pm...


4 ~ I met my current lovely partner via Facebook after not seeing him for over 30 years... we went to Kindy together and our parents still live across the road from each other... gotta love FB... and we are now living in the house that my Grandparents built and lived in after the war...



5 ~  I like pretty things, and sparkly things, and old things, and useless things, and kooky things, and quirky things, and book things and living things... plants, cats, dogs (not spiders & cockroaches!)... I like to think of myself as a "collector", but I'm definitely hovering near that fine line where collector turns HOARDER...







6 ~ I was almost 41 yrs old when I had my first baby... sometimes I feel like the oldest Kindy mum on Earth... especially when one of the staff refers to me as "Grandma"... or I have to squat down to help at the playdough table... and get back up again...




7 ~ I thought I had a great sense of humour... I think it left me just over four years ago to go on an extended holiday... I sometimes get a postcard to remind me of how things were...



8 ~ I suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome years ago... we still have our little battles but I vowed I'd never let it win again...


9 ~ I don't like bananas, mangoes, honey or humidity... pretty much all else goes... except for offal... good thing I don't live in Queensland... though I do LOVE macadamias...


10 ~ I've wanted to travel to Egypt since I was a young child... and it's still one of the places in the world I haven't seen... yet... but Italy, particularly Venice,  is calling me back too... and Scotland...and... and... and...

Om...

"Om" is the shortest mantra... it is said that it's the "sound of creation"...


My "OM" has just been transformed with a few layers of gold spray paint. Not all that creative or exciting, but it was a job that I had put off for a few years. It was "unfinished business". The letters & the spray paint cans were hidden away in a basket high on top of a bookcase. I unearthed them at Easter time when I needed a basket for TJ to use for his egg hunt. From that moment on they once again became an irritation every time I saw them. A constant reminder of why they were in the "repair" basket.

Originally the wooden letters had also been sprayed gold, and I had them displayed on the kitchen wall in my rented house.  I was newly single, was loving life in my own space, doing a LOT of "work" on myself... reflexology, yoga lessons twice a week, meditation, acupuncture, walking, reading, massage, homeopathy, iridology... I was trying everything I could to find that "inner peace"... to heal from a relationship breakdown, from the grief of pregnancy losses, from a long term insidious mystery illness...

To me "om" signified my yoga practise and my inner work, and was a reminder to breathe and re-focus through some difficult times. And then along came a new relationship.

At some point my new "partner" decided that it was humorous to take to my "OM" with a red permanent texta and colour in the top of the "O" so that it looked like a "U"... now on the surface this might appear to be a little funny... I think I probably saw some humour in it at the time even. But as time went on, that act of vandalism became a symbol of his disrespect for me, my belongings, my beliefs, my friends, my family. And in hindsight perhaps I should have taken it as a warning about the future of the relationship. Hindsight is a very funny creature.

So now the letters have been re-sprayed shiny & new. They are a little wonky and chipped & worn out in places, but the red texta is no more... and while the memory of the incident is still there... it no longer has the energy or power to upset me!

Unfinished business is finished!

Spring Into Clearing Your Clutter!

Spring is traditionally the time that homes were cleaned from top to bottom.  It was when windows and doors could be thrown open to let in the fresh air, and open wood burning fires were no longer being used, so smoke could be cleaned from the walls. 

These days Spring is still a wonderful time to get busy and clear away the Winter cobwebs. There's a natural instinct to have a good clean out as the weather starts to improve and there's new growth right outside your door.

The hardest part is always getting started, but once you do you'll find that all the stagnant energy trapped in the clutter will be released for you to use in other ways. 

So where DO you start?

Step 1 ~ Get motivated.  Sometimes easier said than done... motivation can come and go in a fleeting moment for me... but if I need some prompting I always go back to my favourite book "Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui" by Karen Kingston.  Check out the bagua diagram and read up on how physical clutter affects all aspects of your life, health and wellbeing... that should be a good start!

Step 2 ~ Open your curtains, blinds, windows and doors and let the light and fresh air flood in!  It's amazing how light can change the way you feel about the space... it also allows you to see things that maybe have been hidden in the gloom of those dark Winter days.  Sometimes just re-arranging the furniture can make the space feel better!

Step 3 ~ Prioritise... if you're like me you'll need to start small and get some "instant" results or boredom will set in quickly! Make a list of what is bothering you the most... which area of the house is the most cluttered?  Or which area of a room is the worst?  If in doubt TAKE PHOTOS of the room / space.  It's amazing how things become clearer and you can be more 'objective' when you see the space in a photo.

Step 4 ~ Use "sorting boxes".  This is a great time saver that I use.  Grab a few cardboard boxes, label them with categories like... "charity", "rubbish", "keep but relocate"... and make sure you have one labelled "decide later" for things that you can't make a quick decision about!  Using the boxes saves you from wandering around the house putting things away because if you're like me you get distracted really easily.

 

Step 5 ~ Get the "clutter" off the premises!  If the stuff is for donations, then stick it in the car and drop it off at the charity the next time you go past.

Step 6 ~ Give the space a really good dust and vacuum... maybe even use a bunch of sage to "smudge" the house after you've cleared and cleaned.  It's amazing to feel the energy change after this process is completed.

Step 7 ~ Celebrate!  Take some "after" photos and compare them to the "befores".  Treat yourself, share your success with a friend, invite someone over to show off your new space, be proud of your efforts!

Change... is it as 'good as a holiday'??

I've always considered myself to be relatively OK with change... there have been plenty that I've embraced and even relished... I've even been known to get excited about change.  Honestly, sometimes I've been known to go looking for it voluntarily!

"Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights." ~ Pauline R. Kezer

But the new Facebook format that has just been introduced has been a rude shock to my system!  Suddenly I'm resisting change.  I'm not liking it.  I'm angry and frustrated and annoyed and I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by the implications of the changes.  I'm struggling and I know I'm not alone!

I've heard cries of "well if you don't like it you don't have to use it", and I do understand that ultimately it's a business... a BIG business, and the changes (with more to come!!) are more to do with making money and staying ahead of the competition, rather than listening to the people who are actually using the media.

So why do we sometimes struggle with change? What makes some changes harder to accept than others? When change is imposed with little or no consultation people rebel and object loudly.  The Facebook changes are a great example of that! Why do we rebel? Is it that we can't control our "cyber environment"... we suddenly "lose" control of something that is familiar and safe? It's about FEAR. Fear of not coping, fear of losing control, fear that we'll be overwhelmed and "lose the plot", fear that we'll lose business perhaps. Fear of something new and different.  Fear that our opinions don't matter.

Unless we are part of the team who makes all these changes, or our name is Mark Zuckerberg, we are not going to be asked what we think... we're not going to be participating in the process of change... we are only going to be dangling at the end of the change feeling pissed off, "cheated" and angry that some anonymous person has taken away something that we loved and felt good about.  And of course logically we know that FB can't consult with millions of users and come to some happy little consensus that will please everybody!

So what are we going to do about it?  Well... if you are like me, you'll bounce back, get used to it, adapt and get on with life.  Some people may just decide that they can't be bothered, and leave the forum completely.  It's all about what value we perceive in adapting to the changes.  Once we've had our dummy spits and worked out that we don't have a huge amount of power or say in the matter, we'll realise that we can only change ourselves and our reactions to the changes imposed.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves." ~ Victor Frankl

So in order to find some PEACE amongst the changes,

• I'm remembering to BREATHE.
• I'm remembering to feel GRATEFUL for a free Social Media tool that has allowed me to make fabulous connections locally and globally.
• I'm talking to friends, sharing ideas and working out ways to make the changes work for me, rather than against me!
• I'm remembering that I'm a small part of a huge whole and that's OK.
• I'm looking for the humour in the situation!
• I'm LETTING GO of the fear and overwhelm.
• I'm embracing the NEW!

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~ Mary Engelbreit

"I love you because you always trick me."

So Father's Day has rolled around again.  Last year there wasn't really any issue.  TJ was at playgroup, there was no pressure to make anything special for anyone... I don't seem to remember us making any special effort to contact his dad.  It was just the two of us... I don't even remember if we made a fuss of Grandpa...

This year he's at Kindergarten, and the children have all been busy making special pictures with typed messages on them for their dads. 

My heart almost broke when I saw all the kids collecting their artwork and proudly sharing their stories about what they loved about their dads.  I wondered what I was about to read... I expected TJ to have some fabulous fantasy story about his dad's farm, or about driving the tractor, or even something about his dogs that we occasionally see via Skype.  I smiled at the drawing & glanced at the words and saw "... I love you because you always trick me."  Then I suddenly realised that it said
"DAVID, I love you because you always trick me."

  

Not DAD!  Wow.  Now I had tears in my eyes! 

I did the whole big thing about how wonderful & special it was, and we made a big production about it when we got home, and David put it on the window next to his desk, and TJ was very proud of his work... but I still wonder what he makes of the whole Father's Day thing. 

At only 4 years old, and having been in a single parent family since he was 6 months old, does he even understand the concept of what a 'DAD' is or does?  What was the context of the activity that they did at Kindy?  Was he prompted to choose the male role model in his life who was most significant?  Was he given a choice about participating in the activity?  Was he encouraged to write about his actual father? 

Lots of unanswered questions from an ex-teacher who was always so careful to be inclusive of all family situations and arrangements! 

And then today, I asked him if he wanted to do something special for his dad... his answer... "Nah... it's ok." 

Does that mean that he doesn't love his dad?  Does it mean that he doesn't care?  I don't think so.  Does it just mean that as far as he's concerned the "activity" was completed and now it's time to move on and play?   Maybe there's something there that I can learn from him... do the job and move on perhaps?  Feel the love, and 'let go' perhaps?

Dad is still 'dad', but we rarely see him or even hear much from him.  He certainly doesn't play a significant role in TJ's life.  Apart from 'Grumpy Gramps', David is the significant male role model in his life who plays soccer with him, takes him for bike rides, digs in the garden with him, watches TV with him, cooks for him, disciplines him, and yeah... does a fair bit of "tricking" too!

Time to let go of the idea of some of the guilt around his dad not being around... he has wonderful male role models in the shape of Gramps and David.  I think we'll be celebrating "Grumpy Gramps' Day & David's Day" on Sunday!