This year he's at Kindergarten, and the children have all been busy making special pictures with typed messages on them for their dads.
My heart almost broke when I saw all the kids collecting their artwork and proudly sharing their stories about what they loved about their dads. I wondered what I was about to read... I expected TJ to have some fabulous fantasy story about his dad's farm, or about driving the tractor, or even something about his dogs that we occasionally see via Skype. I smiled at the drawing & glanced at the words and saw "... I love you because you always trick me." Then I suddenly realised that it said
"DAVID, I love you because you always trick me."
Not DAD! Wow. Now I had tears in my eyes!
I did the whole big thing about how wonderful & special it was, and we made a big production about it when we got home, and David put it on the window next to his desk, and TJ was very proud of his work... but I still wonder what he makes of the whole Father's Day thing.
At only 4 years old, and having been in a single parent family since he was 6 months old, does he even understand the concept of what a 'DAD' is or does? What was the context of the activity that they did at Kindy? Was he prompted to choose the male role model in his life who was most significant? Was he given a choice about participating in the activity? Was he encouraged to write about his actual father?
Lots of unanswered questions from an ex-teacher who was always so careful to be inclusive of all family situations and arrangements!
And then today, I asked him if he wanted to do something special for his dad... his answer... "Nah... it's ok."
Does that mean that he doesn't love his dad? Does it mean that he doesn't care? I don't think so. Does it just mean that as far as he's concerned the "activity" was completed and now it's time to move on and play? Maybe there's something there that I can learn from him... do the job and move on perhaps? Feel the love, and 'let go' perhaps?
Dad is still 'dad', but we rarely see him or even hear much from him. He certainly doesn't play a significant role in TJ's life. Apart from 'Grumpy Gramps', David is the significant male role model in his life who plays soccer with him, takes him for bike rides, digs in the garden with him, watches TV with him, cooks for him, disciplines him, and yeah... does a fair bit of "tricking" too!
Time to let go of the idea of some of the guilt around his dad not being around... he has wonderful male role models in the shape of Gramps and David. I think we'll be celebrating "Grumpy Gramps' Day & David's Day" on Sunday!
10 comments:
I am touched by this very much, and I am very happy that your little guy has David and made him this most awesome card. And "Maybe there's something there that I can learn from him... do the job and move on perhaps? Feel the love, and 'let go' perhaps?" feels right to me too.
Gotta love little kids - they see the world in the "here and now". We have much to learn from them. "Feel the love, and 'let go' ...". Feels right to me too.
Hi Katrina ...just want to check if this will post ...my last epistle didn't ..can't figure it out !!...poor old neanderthal brain :)
Thanks folks... really appreciate your lovely comments! xx
hey sweets love the blog hun
Ah Corri, you found me! xx
A good read, and yes a little bit tearful to read. I'm hoping my daughter will remember who has fathered her most over the last 8 years and at least remembers to contact him :-) Well written Kit Kat. xx
Yeeehaa!...there's hope for me yet ...now I can't remember my original post:) ....I think the gist of it was something like this ....
I too,was very moved (read tears) by this beautiful & heartfelt post. Your dear little boy has shown you a very valuable lesson. You expressed that apart from GG, David was the most significant male role model in his life & then you listed a myriad of activities in which TJ & DJ (sounds like they are made for each other !....or could they be terrible twins?) engaged together .Well, what is most important to a 4 year old boy (any child really!)??....TIME = LOVE ...Sooo, IMO, let go of the(understandable Mum-type)guilt and celebrate the two most really special male role models in his life right now. Feel that love. Happy day, Sunday:) x
Really sweet. So happy for you and TJ both having a good man in your life. Makes all the difference. My Dad adopted my when I was 3 and I felt all the more special because he chose to love me. You need to let yourself of the hook. You can't be responsible for TJ's Dad. You are an awesome, kind, loving and devoted Mum. Your boy's going to be just fine :)
Thanks 'Anon' (buddy!), Kathy & Soli. I really do feel that TJ has a great role model in DJ. And yes Kathy, Time = Love. I'm about to read "The Five Love languages for Children" just to confirm some things about what I think TJ needs in his life to really feel loved. I'll let you know what I work out! Soli, I hope that TJ one day feels that "specialness" too knowing that DJ chose to be in his life even though he thought his years of bringing up a small child were over! He's already done this job before, and Sean (now in his 20's) still rings him regularly and DJ considers him to be his son. We feel very lucky indeed. xx
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